words from an extremely stressed student

It's been 5 days since my last entry.. I'm kind of glad I haven't been going on full gear since j1 year. I think I'd just die. Haven't been switching on the computer for the past 4 days (drop your jaws)..

Honestly, I'm just glad I didn't spend the past 2 years studying like crazy, just that I should have started 4-5 months ago and not 5 weeks before the A's. & I'm starting from ground 0 for econs and mathematics. I know I was stupid but I couldn't control my emotions then, okay? I have weak mental power and yaddayadda. Not like I can control my stress now..

The textbooks are so boring, things only get interesting when I ask teachers about what's beyond the syllabus (which I believe is what we REALLY need in the real world).

Well, they always tell me I should draw the line and learn what's in the textbook because we need to do that to SCORE for the bloody exams. I think it really defeats the purpose of education. If I had started earlier, I would've grasped all the concepts in a jiffy and learnt more about what's beyond the textbooks. Too late.

Enough of complaints, anyway.

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Pardon my simplistic sentence structures (or perhaps even incoherent ones), I'm facing a really huge problem now and it appears to be memory loss and the inability to express myself. This irritates me to no end, and I owe it all to stress. You wouldn't understand the extent of the problem if you weren't me because most people would go "loss of memory is just part and parcel of a jc kid's life".

The fact is that it's so bad I keep getting weird stares from EVERYONE because I can't think of any words to explain what I'm thinking, plus I keep stuttering. Imagine doing econs and asking the teacher "wait... uh.. monetary.. fiscal.. supply side.. they're uh.. what? policies? no wait.. uh... wait..my brain is dead.. wait...oh.. yeah policies. right? monetary stuff.. they're policies right?"

and conversations will be like "pr..probabry..bably..probably like that?" I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING LIKE THAT. I'm not even exaggerating. IT'S BLOODY ANNOYING.

Well forget it, it's impossible to explain. I suppose this problem would fade away once I'm not that stressed.. which means it wouldn't be solved. I think I forgot I can't even express myself even if I've got the logic in my head. Damn.

So I wouldn't let myself do badly just because I screwed up all the way up till now and I'm going to make up for that loss.

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I'm terribly stressed to the point I'll cry over every little thing and all those damned insecurity problems are coming back to me. Not switching on the computer for 4 whole days is honestly record breaking for me, and you should at least give some credit to a person like me who normally spends her time in front of the computer instead of work.

Maybe this sudden change is what's killing me. All within a week, I've transformed into this hardworking person so eager to stuff information into her mind. But I think it isn't doing me any good at all, because after just 4 days, my brain has showed signs of it ceasing to function properly. Damned stress.

But it doesn't mean I didn't care in the past even though I was unable to do work. Fine, I accept I have weak will power, but I bloody hate people who go "WHAT, YOU OF ALL PEOPLE, STRESSED?!" or "HAHAHA, DO YOU EVEN CARE?!" (when I tell them I'm worried). At times like these I would really like to stick some finger at them because they don't understand.

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So I've been crying over friendship insecurities and studies for today, what next? I'm just glad I finally talked to my friend in school about everything and especially my childhood.

I reminded myself of how I was the student every teacher doted on and actually topped the class in subjects :( and how I used to be a fast learner as a kid and how my ex-maid called me recently to tell me she was proud of me for learning the alphabets before I was 1. You know.. just to boost my confidence a little at a time like this.


I'll end it with how I'm really, really, really stressed and no amount of words can describe the EXTENT of it, and my mood swings explain it too. And it gets worse when I feel guilty for having mood swings.

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God I miss blogging so much, it's still the only way I can express myself properly, where I'm given ample time to think (especially with me facing this memory problem) and still be able to tell others what I'm thinking. Not like they'd be reading.

Somebody save me (I know everybody would be too busy to bother and I'm the only one who can save myself since everybody will tell me it's my own bloody fault for not studying earlier anyway). Just shut the hell up, okay? I really don't need you people reminding me how I was wrong. I know I was. My pessimistic nature doesn't help either. Who can I turn to when I need to calm down? Nobody. Yay.